When In Doubt

Originally posted on Themestream
I have a degree in Music Education. I have a job in the information technology industry. Why am I not teaching? My education isn’t lacking. I attended a college noted for the teaching program. According to most of my professors, I’d make an excellent teacher, so it’s not ability. Even as a child, I played school with my friends, and I was almost always the teacher, so it wasn’t desire. Why did I land in a cubicle instead of a classroom?

Self-doubt.

In spite of the glowing praise of my professors and peers, in spite of my comfort with the information, and in spite of my desire, I just didn’t think I could do the job. My piano skills are lacking, I would have to find an alternate means of accompanying a choir until I improved, but that’s not reason enough. Something in me said I wouldn’t be competent to teach.

Self-doubt isn’t uncommon for anyone, particularly for those with ADD. Many of us have been told all of our lives how we don’t measure up. It’s natural that those statements carry through adulthood. The hard part is unlearning those statements. My excuse was the bureaucracy and politics. A teacher has to put up with quite a bit of garbage, from parents, from administrators and from taxpayers. Teachers often have to defend their positions to those who think it’s an easy job – work nine months a year, seven hours a day, off for the summer.

A teacher must be reliable. If a teacher misses work, there are people who will lose. Remember how those unfortunate substitute teachers were treated? A teacher must be prompt. A few minutes late to work could result in more lost time and anarchy in the classroom. A teacher must be organized. Standing in front of a class without a plan is an invitation to an unruly class. And a teacher must be confident in his or her ability to instruct.

Reliable? The only thing I’ve been told people can count on from me is that I will somehow, somewhere, screw up. Even though at my current position, I receive very high ratings and praise, I can’t help but think of when I will make a tremendous mistake that brings everyone down on me. That message came from my childhood, from my frequent changes in direction.

Prompt? I was late for my own birthday, and have rarely been on time since. Never mind that I usually get to work at minimum five minutes before I must, or that I have been able to make time to make breakfast before I leave. I don’t remember the mornings I caught the bus to school, the majority of the mornings. I remember the mornings when I caught the late bus and walked in the door just as the teacher was calling attendance.

Organization? Lack of organization is more appropriate. Employers have complimented my filing system, and yet I feel disorganized. I can find things if I have to, but I usually have to search. Arranging my thoughts in a particular order is another special challenge for me. At work, I can find whatever I need, due to extreme compensation. At home, I cannot find my bills.

Confident? With a history like that, who would be?

This is the point where I blame my ADD for my shortcomings. This is the part where I say that because I wasn’t able to pay attention well, I didn’t learn, or because I had difficulty sitting still, I was never permitted to stay in class long enough, or because I don’t organize myself well, I couldn’t get my life in order. It’s true that ADD has made life a little difficult for me, has made it harder for me to do certain things. It’s also true that it hasn’t made me incapable of learning how to do those things differently.

One of the things diagnosis did for me was give me answers to questions I’d wanted to know. Questions such as why I couldn’t seem to proofread an expense report, or why I couldn’t remember names of friends I’d known for years were answered with that diagnosis. I understood why I did the things I did. I finally understood that I could indeed be organized, I just had to take a different approach. I can pay attention, I simply have to have the freedom to pay attention in my own way.

With diagnosis, I learned there were solutions to my problems. In my instance, knowledge and medication helped. I’m learning to retrain myself, to do things differently than I had before. It doesn’t seem like much, but my coat gets hung up when I get home. My dishes are washed in the morning. My bed is made before I leave for work. These simple things were things I couldn’t do consistently, and I couldn’t understand why. Not being able to do those simple things made me question my abilities for more complex tasks.

I’ve learned that a career for me doesn’t necessarily mean a position I hold for 20 years. For me, I may do better to do different things at different times, to experience as many different careers as possible, to avoid boredom and complacency.

I’ve learned that I can be satisfied with my life. I just need to take a different route than expected.
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Learn More About It
The ADDult Workbook – Feature from ADD on About.
Unlearning Life’s Lessons – Thread on ADD on About message board. Membership (free) required to reply.
Ask 20 Questions – Career choice assistance from ChADD